The things I put these poor characters through
by Vitriolic Lightning
Summary: All the chaos somewhat related to Morganville that pours out of my noggin like brains. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish you knew me personally so you could tell me how much I've changed your life. And luckily I will update weekly.
1. Myrnin, Wheres Claire?

**This is my mini fics, song fics, and general one shots trash bag. Bear with me, because *gasp* I'm going to attempt HUMOR in a lot of these! I know, I know, but please, read through and critique them for me, if you will. Thank you very much.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>"You got a dog."<p>

"I did indeed."

"Its a very nice dog."

"Thank you. I made it myself."

"OK then." There was a pause. "Claire has gone missing."

.

..

...

...

...

..

.

"Claire who?"

"Claire. Your assistant. Remember?"

"I don't, as a matter of fact. You must be mistaken."

"You ate her, didn't you?"

"I would do no such thing to poor little Claire!"

"Ahhh, so you do remember her?"

"I do not, Amelie! And you know it! Now leave me! I have much to do! Very much indeed!"

Later, after Amelie had left and Myrnin was sitting at his lab table, furiously pouring over notes and making calculations, the little golden retriever trotted up to Myrnin and laid it's head down on his lap, a mournful whine escaping it's throat.

Myrnin glanced down and patted the dog on the head fondly, a smile lighting his tired face. "Don't worry, little Claire." He said, "I'll figure out how to fix you. Eventually."

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><p><strong>He. He. He. If you didn't get it...<strong>

**Then I guess that makes me pretty weird, doesn't it?  
><strong>

**Well, what do you think? I seem to associate Claire with canines a lot...oh well. She just seems like a dog person to me.**

**Read and Review.  
><strong>


	2. Explain it again, please

**OK, I'll admit, that last one wasn't my best work ever. Thank you for pointing that out to me. And thank you, Cloebabe95, for the nice comment. Needless to say, I will try for improvement, although this one has been sitting in my Doc X box for a while now, and it's really just me goofing with the characters. And yes, I put myself in this story.**

**Don't judge me. Other people do it, too, and I thought I'd give it a go.**

**Enjoy. (hopefully)**

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><p>"I still don't get it." Claire said, squinting at the chalk board in the Glass house living room.<p>

"Yes, Indeed." Said Myrnin, equally perplexed. "It is an enigma, unsolvable and pesky."

Dantea massaged her temples gently, eyes closed. "OK. Lets go over this again." She slapped her ruler against a crudely drawn stick figure in a dress, 'Claire' scrawled over its head. "There's you,"

"OK, I get that part." Claire said.

Dantea smiled encouragingly. "Yes. And then there's Myrnin." The ruler slid over to a male stick figure, 'Myrnin' scribbled over it's head.

"OK"

"And then there's you and Myrnin." Now the ruler moved to the plus sign between the two.

". . . .You lost me again."

"It's so simple though!"

"Maybe," said Myrnin, "Maybe. . . . shes talking about some kind of human/vampire hybrid!" His eyes lit up.

"No. **No. NO!**" Dantea growled. "It's called Myrnin/Claire! It's this fanfiction thing where-"

"I got it!" Claire shouted. "She means like in algebra! A positive plus a negative equals a negative! If you combine my DNA and yours, we get a second Oliver!"

"That's brilliant!" Myrnin exclaimed. "The only problem is that we don't want a second Oliver!"

"**NO! NO! NO! **it's a romance genre! You and Myrnin **together!**"

"But that can't be what you mean." Myrnin said, as if talking to a particularly dimwitted child. "Rachel Cain set me up as a self destructive mad man destined to be alone and miserable, and Claire is with that Collins fellow-"

"I said no." Dantea argued. "You. Don't. Have. To. Listen. To. The. Author!"

Myrnin stared at her a minuet, then glanced at Claire. "Is she speaking human? I'm not human, I don't speak that language."

Claire was still staring at her in horror. "But hes...hes...hes so old!" She cried.

Dantea rubbed the bridge of her nose in annoyance. "Look. The fans of Morganville want to see-"

She was interrupted when, with a clatter and a bang, the closet door fell to the ground and Shane tumbled out, wrapped head to foot in pink duct tape with a sock shoved in his mouth.

"Mmmhhhmmm! Muhhmmh!"

Dantea sighed. "God damn it!"

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><p><strong>Yes, I am a MyrninClaire fan, although I can't see that actually happening in the book, this is fanfiction, and I can do what I want. I promis to try and make this better, until then, please, continue to tell me how I can make this better.**

**Read and Review.  
><strong>


	3. I Kissed a Girl

**As per request by Amelie-the-pony, here you go!**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>"I kissed a girl and I liked it," Claire sang loudly. "The taste of her chary chap stick."<p>

Amelie just stared at her. It was not something she had expected to see, that is, Claire, dancing on the coffee table in the living room of the glass house, wearing only pajamas, singing along to "I Kissed A Girl", a bottle of Jack as her microphone. Amelie glanced behind herself at Oliver, standing in the doorway, to make sure she wasn't imaging this.

Nope. He saw it, too.

Amelie sighed, the sound lost in the heavy beat of Katy Parry pumping out of the speakers. She just knew this would end badly.

"Claire!" She shouted.

"I kissed a girl just to try it!" Claire shouted back.

Amelie shook her head and stalked over to Claire, deftly snatching the bottle out of her hand, and sent it flying twords the elaborate speaker system in a shower of sparks and a dying shriek.

"I kissed a girl and I liked It." Claire slurred to herself. She finally seemed to realize she had an audience and fell silent, blinking owlishly at them. "Wad-er youuu doin 'ere?"

Oliver promptly burst out laughing, not even trying to hide his mirth.

Amelie glared at him, not finding it funny, then turned her eye lasers on Claire, who was starting to wobble a bit.

"I expect a more of my employes, Claire. You have learned secrets many humans have never dreamed of before, you can't just go around getting wasted at ten in the morning on a whim. I am completely-"

She was cut off abruptly when, with a slight yelp of surprise, Claire came tumbling down from her perch atop the coffee table, right into the Founder's surprised arms.

Oliver could now be herd rolling on the floor in laughter, clutching his sides and generally being no help at all.

Claire had landed with her arms draped over Amelie's shoulders, her whiskey breath in her face, and her toes perched precariously on the edge of the table. Amelie was one annoyed minuet away from letting the girl drop to the ground in a heap.

Claire blinked, seemed surprised to suddenly find Amelie in her face, then a slow smile spread across her face. "Hey baby." She slurred. "Come here often?"

Oliver seemed to choking on something.

Amelie's face paled. "Claire! I command you to-"

And then Claire's lips touched her's, and for just a second, Amelie kissed her back.

Oliver was no longer laughing, and in fact, seemed to be speechless.

Amelie pulled back and blinked, totally shocked. She glanced back at Oliver, who met her gaze with wide eyes.

Then he burst out crying and ran out the door with his face buried in his his hands.

"Damn it." Amelie hissed, and without a backwards glance she ran out after him, letting Claire fall to the ground in a drunken heap.

**Later:**

"Oliver! Get down from there this instant!" Amelie shouted.

"No! I have nothing to live for anymore!" Oliver sobbed, balanced precariously on his toes. "I'm going to kill myself!"

"Goddamn it! Quit being such a little girl!" Amelie yelled.

"Our love meant everything to me!"

"We never had any love, you moron!"

"You led me on?" Oliver gasped. "You. . .you. . .you monster!"

Amelie began to massage her eyes gently. "We. Were. Never. Together!"

"Jump!" Someone from the gathering crowd shouted. Amelie glared at the group of spectators gathered around the amusing scene, looking for the culprit. Then she sighed in annoyance, reached forward, and pulled Oliver out of the first story windowsill he was threatening to jump from. He landed in a pile if dust, tears streaking down his now filthy face and hair stuck up at odd angles.

"How could you?" He sobbed. "We had something special!"

Amelie shook her head and turned. "I'm going home." She muttered as she walked away, shielding her face with one hand. Her only thought was to wonder if maybe Claire had any Vodka she could borrow. . .

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><p><strong>He he. This was actually kind of fun to write.<strong>

**Read and Review.**


	4. I Dare You

**This made me smile.**

**Ya, i know, kind of short, but its a Monday, so take pity on me.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>"Come on, Michele! Please?"<p>

"No."

"It will only hurt for a minuet!"

"No!"

"Don't be a chicken!"

"Eve, no."

"I dare you."

Michele sighed, annoyed. "No."

"I'm going to do it anyways."

"No. **No. NO!** Eve! Stop it! Please! Stay back! I** will **bite you! **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

**Later:**

"Hey Eve, what's wrong with Michele?"

"I tasered him, and he's being a girl about it."

"So what? He's a vampire, he'll have healed almost instantly."

"Well, I tasered him in a very sensitive place. . . ."

"Ahhhh."

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><p><strong>Well, what do you think? <strong>

**Read and Review.**


	5. It's the end of the world as we know it

**Hmmmm. . . .**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>"I don't know how I can go on!" Claire sobbed, pressing her face into Eve's shoulder.<p>

"There, there, Claire Bear." Eve said, patting her back gently. "We're all going to miss him."

"He was always there for me, and I let him down!" Claire hiccuped.

"It's ok, baby. There are more fish in the sea." Eve soothed.

"How can you be so cruel?" She gasped.

"I'm just saying, there are a million other-"

"No! He was my very first! He was special! I'll never find anyone I love more than him!" Claire moaned.

"Claire, I am so sorry." Michele began. "I didn't mean-"

"No!" Claire shouted. "No! This is your fault! You did this!"

"It was an accident! I'm sorry!" He pleaded. "I don't know my own strength!"

"Don't listen to him, he'll never understand." Eve said, stroking her hair. "I used him just as much as you did. I'll miss him just as much, too."

"What?" Claire gasped.

"Well. . . ." Eve began, looking guilty. "I walked into your room one day, and no one was home, and he was just sitting on your bed. . .I couldn't help myself!"

"Eve!" Michele admonished.

"Oh, don't you act like you've never done it, either!" Eve defended herself.

"I did not" He blushed.

"Did so! I once saw you hugging him in the fetal position, crying for your mommy!"

"Look, I was having a bad week, and-"

"What is going on in here?" Shane demanded as he walked into the room.

"Michele killed Claire's teddy bear." Eve said.

"His name was Mr. Fwufflekins!" Claire sobbed, clutching the tattered remains of an old, ripped up teddy bear's severed head.

"It. Was. An. Accident!" Michele shouted, exasperated.

Shane just shook his head in disbelief, turned around, and walked out, muttering under his breath. "Good God, your all pussies."

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><p><strong>Be honest. How many of you thought they were talking about Shane at first? XD<strong>

**Sigh. I think I could have done better on this.**

**Read and Review.**


	6. Crazy

My school's computer is acting weird today, so there may be some grammar mistakes. I know, I haven't updated in a while, and i'm sorry. I said I would update daily. I lied. So here is my WEEKLY update. Enjoy.

"Your name is not Myrnin." Ameile said. "Your name is Harris Board, your in an institution for the criminally insane. There is no such thing as Morganville, there are no vampires."

"Why of course there is, Ameile." Myrnin said patently, as if talking to a child. "Your a vampire, too. You run Morganville, you must remember it."

"No, Harris." Ameile said. "My name is Crystal, I am your psychiatrist. I am not a vampire. there is no such thing as vampires."

"Stop saying such things, Ameile. Your making Oliver think your crazy." Myrnin said, glancing at Oliver out of the corner of his eye.

Oliver looked at him strangely. "My name is not Oliver. I am a security guard here to make sure you don't escape your restraints."

Myrnin glanced down at himself. "Ahh, yes. Remind me again, Ameile, why did you put me in a straight jacket?"

"It's so you don't hurt anyone, Harris. Remember that nice nurse you attacked?" Ameile asked.

"You mean Claire? Myrnin asked, puzzled. "but I was starving Ameile! I'd been in silver chains for hours! You would have done the same thing."

"No, Harris. I'm not a vampire. Your not a vampire. That nice man over there is not a vampire. There are no vampires."

Myrnin looked at her funny. "Hey, Ameile. Why don't you and me go for a visit to see our old friend Dr. Goldman? Eh? Does that sound like fun? He can check you out, make sure your all right in the head."

Ameile sighed. "Your the one who needs a doctor." She looked at him searchingly for a moment, then shook her head and turned to Oliver. "Could you get him out of here now? His session is over for today."

"Yes Ma'am." he nodded and started for Myrnin, the shadows hiding his face and a sharp toothed grin stretching across his mouth. Myrnin shrank back as the needle came out, glowing red eyes the last thing he saw.


	7. Halloween! In Morganville? Not likely

**Happy Halloween! Mwahahaha! Mini fic of DOOOOOOM!**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Claire walked out of the living room, struggling to adjust the straps on her fairy wings. She wore a dark, velvet green mini dress decorated with glitter and sparkles, and she had just managed to get her hair perfect. She walked straight into Michele, who had on a neon light up Elvis costume and huge Elvis hair.<p>

"Sorry!" She said, then blinked. "Wow. You look. . . .really cheesy."

Michele swaggered his hips and deepened his voice. "Thank you. Thank you very much." Claire giggled.

Eve walked in, and Claire gasped, forgetting her mirth for the moment, because she just had the freakiest costume she had ever seen her in. Eve was wearing a _white mini skirt._ With _roses _sown on the hemline. And a. . .a . . .a. . .

"Is that a _pink _blazer?" Claire asked dumbly.

"Yes!" Eve said, with a smile that was a little too wide and a voice a that was a little too perky. Twin pigtails danced as she bobbed her head up and down.

"What are you?" Michele asked, staring.

Eve rolled her eyes. "Daaaa. I'm a horrible skanky monster."

A moment of silence. "Your a Monicaette, aren't you?" Claire asked wryly.

Eve bobbed her head again. "Yep."

Shane suddenly jumped out, giant cape swept back dramatically, fangs flashing, face white and blood dripping down his chin. "I vant to suck vour booooood!" He wailed. Everybody laughed at that.

And that was when Myrnin jumped out of a portal none of them had noticed, as if out of thin air, and he had **real **fangs flashing and **real** blood dripping down his chin, and his eyes glowed bright red, and. . . .

Everybody froze for an instant in pure shock, but then, a giggle. A little giggle from Eve, and that opened the floodgates on Michele, and Claire wasn't too far behind, and then even Shane's deep booming laugh joined in.

"Myrnin," Claire gasped at his rather confused and disappointed face. "You do realize vampire _bunnies _are not scary, right?"

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><p><strong>Ehh. May be I'll do something better tomorrow, but all you get for now is this old thing, because I had to do <em>something<em> on Halloween, even if it was just this thirty minuet little fic.**

**Read and Review.**


	8. Waaa  ?

**Happy birthday to me, I'm a hundred and three, la la la la la-la, do-da do la di-da. I get a dirt cake for my birthday when I get home from school! And I was born on the day of the dead! How cool does that make me? XD**

**Enjoy this little bitty snippet I skipped lunch to write for you.**

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><p>"I love you." Shane said, eyes wide.<p>

"Everybody loves me."

"But i _love _you, love you." He replied.

"What ever happened to Claire?"

"She is nothing to me! All I want in life is you in my arms!" He cried.

Michele rolled his eyes. "Good God!"

"Kiss me now, my beloved!" Shane walked toward him, arms spread and lips puckered.

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><p><strong>Not my, best, but I was too hungry to care. Read and Review.<strong>


	9. Last Breath Spoilers!

**OK. Just finished Last Breath. **

**... **

**Spoiler warning. **

**... **

**OH MY FUCKING GOD AMELIE IS _DEAD_ AND THE GLASS HOUSE IS _DEAD_ AND CLAIRE ACTUALLY _DIED_ AND ITS SO HORRIBLE BECAUSE MORGANVILLE IS SO FUCKING _SCREWED!_ BISHOP WAS A WALK IN THE BLOODY PARK BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SO ROYALLY SCREWED BY THE DRAUG IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! MYRNIN IS GOING DIE, I JUST KNOW IT, BECAUSE LIFE IN MORGANVILLE IS _TOTALLY FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW! _**

**... **

_**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **_

**... **

**Enjoy my Amelie/Oliver tribute.**

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><p><em>Here on these cliffs of Dover <em>  
><em>So high you can't see over <em>  
><em>And while your head is spinning <em>  
><em>Hold tight, it's just beginning <em>

Oliver carried Amelie's lifeless body into the building, away from the humans, and he didn't stop. It seemed it was all he could do for her, this strange, fey creature that defied him with easy grace, tormented him with half closed eyes, loved him in that amusing fashion of her's, reasoned with him in his bloody rages. Loved him. She loved him. She really had, as much as one such as Amelie could have.

And all he could do for her was carry her limp body, giant black holes gouged into her neck from the Draug's venomous bite.

So he did.

_You come from parents wanton _  
><em>A childhood rough and rotten <em>  
><em>I come from wealth and beauty <em>  
><em>Untouched by work or duty<em>

Later, he finally, _finally_, stopped when they reached a vampire safe room, with high tinted windows to block out the rising sun. There, he paused in his lone procession, and laid her out on the only piece of furniture in the room, a high desk belonging to someone who no doubt used to think they were important.

She was still as death.

_And oh, my love, my love _  
><em>And oh, my love, my love <em>  
><em>We both go down together <em>

Her eyes fluttered, trembled, opened. Shocking white that faded to pale blue, drenched in exhaustion.

"Oliver." Her voice was horse. It really should not have been possible, with the wide holes in her throat. Yet she did it. Oliver was not the least bit surprised. His eyes narrowed.

"Amelie." He whispered back, kneeling down to her level. His eyes locked into her's.

"Oliver." She coughed, eyes unfocused. "I'm so tired." She murmered._  
><em>

_I found you, a tattooed tramp _  
><em>A dirty daughter from the labor camps <em>  
><em>I laid you down on the grass of a clearing <em>  
><em>You wept but your soul was willing <em>

He placed light fingers on the side of he face,trailing them down her cheek. Possibly the only gentile touch he'd ever given her, except for that kiss. . .

He shuddered at the memory. Maby it would have went somewhere. Maby they would have been at each other's throat's the very next day. Maby nothing at all would have changed. They would never know.

There is no cure for a master Draug's bite.

_And oh, my love, my love _  
><em>And oh, my love, my love <em>  
><em>We both go down together <em>

Her eyes started to close again. "So tired. . ." She whispered. Her eyes fluttered open. "Be fair, Oliver." She said. She had no illusions. For her, this would be it. She was dieing. And only Oliver was left to rule. Crazy, violent, Oliver.

He found strength enough to smile. "You should know me better by now, Amelie."_  
><em>

_And my parents will never consent to this love _  
><em>But I hold your hand <em>

She sighed, closing her eyes. "We were so close." A whisper. "We were so close to peace. Not real peace, but as close as our kind has ever managed."

"Amelie-" Oliver began, strained. Then his just gave a great exhale, unusual for him, and rested his head next to her's. "Yes." He said. "Yes, we did more here in a hundred years than we've ever done anywhere, through history."

He thought he saw her smile a bit, just then._  
><em>

_Meet me on my vast veranda _  
><em>My sweet, untouched Miranda <em>  
><em>And while the seagulls are crying <em>  
><em>We fall but our souls are flying<em>

He waited with her in her last moments, and he didn't leave her side when he felt her faint presence slip away. Even before they coperated, before they loved, she had been his strength. When he was about to fail, he looked at her, and dragged out his last ounces of fury, and said to himself,_ "God damn it! If she can do it, I can do it better." _And he won.

But not this time.

This time she couldn't do it. What hope did he have?_  
><em>

_And oh, my love, my love _  
><em>And oh, my love, my love <em>  
><em>And oh, my love, oh my love <em>  
><em>And oh, my love, my love <em>  
><em>We both go down together<em>

"None." He realized. "I have no hope at all."

Oliver looked at Amelie's cold, frozen body.

"But I do have revenge." He smiled. "I will always have that."

He stood up and looked out the window, a fire in his eyes, until the sun fell and the moon rose, and the night was his once again. He was possibly the strongest vampire on earth, and it felt good, and knew his enemy's should be afraid, and if they weren't, they were going to be.

His smile grew, and his eyes flashed red.

It was time to hunt the hunters.

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><p><strong>Okay, so Last Breath doesn't actually show Amelie dieing, it just kind of leaves off with Oliver carting her away, unconscious, after getting an incurable bite from a Draug, and Myrnin basically saying she was going to die, and Shane and Claire talking as if she was already dead.<strong>

**Which of course means that in the next book, it will start off with Amelie on the edge of death, and someone pulles a merical out of their ass and saves her from something your not sapot to be saved from, but whatever. It happens in books. **

**Like with Claire when she dies. I mean, ok, i'll buy the house saves her, but really? Myrnin just happened to know exactly what will bring her back, and not only does it actully work without something going horrably wrong, but she doesn't have to become a vamp either? Not only very unlikely, but also very unfair to Michele. At the very least, she souldn't have had the choice to be human.**

**Just my opinion.**

**Read and Review._  
><em>**


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